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Posts Tagged ‘Thoughts’

Another poem about love…awww.

Waiting for the Hearts Spaceship

Crimson cups
Linger of wispiness
and sweet sentiments they long to engage
Staring into the skylight window
As the stars embrace them

 

Fiddled fingers
trace the
shadow of her heart
As they explore the stories
From Bukowski esq memories
To wonderings if there really are aliens
In this vast planetary excursion

 

Fly me
To that swelled up moon
That cries out
In you

 

Fly me to somewhere that your heart
Has never been
To that tiny space
Reserved for space dreams
and where only after the whisky sets in
Revelations come

 

Fly me
Take me
To places in deserts
That are dry
Waiting to be quenched

 

Take me there
To that place
Somewhere
Somewhere
Where you have only longed to have been

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Bubble in the sky  
Whispers Billowy
Hello’s And then vanishes
Leaving me wondering

Like a question unanswered
You are out there
My crème filled donut of love
You taunt me
I meet you
In bars
You are witty
You speak of Hemingway and heroism
And wine filled coffee houses that would be great to muse
In
Then you leave with your girlfriend
Who confessed to me she doesn’t love you
As I twist the cap on her beer open
And wish it was laced with some sort of truth poison

You
You are out there
I don’t expect you to ride up on a white horse
Perhaps just have a good conversation
Because Hello dear isn’t exactly enticing
Or drawing me in
In this algorithm, online dating world

You
You are out there
Somewhere In this jaded heart filled boxed of mine
I release the edges of hate
That have filled the corners of what was my yesteryears
Long I ago I would have been what was considered Old Maid fate
I know there is just a glimpse of golden
Amongst all this shaded grey

You
You are out there
Each year that goes by
You become more hazy
I have to wipe the windows
Inside me
To trust you are there

You
You are out there
You have changed from muscle man hero
To creative, inspiring, accepting, adventurous lover

You
You are out there
Able to handle this non laid back lady
Able to see beyond just ripping off clothes
And slapping my ass

You
You are out there
Sometimes your to long winded
But Still not jaded
Able to take my hand
And hold it
In the wind blown turmoil of what I have been

You
You are out there
Weathered words, that hold pages
Of information
You spill out onto my soul
And make me want to dive in

You
You are going to be a part of this story
We will tell it
Like the alchemist
Who sought to chase the wind
You
You are the ending
So Let the beginning
Begin

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Log in here,

Sign there

not enough symbols, words

an operator will be with you in just a minute

While you sit as caller number 9 for 20 minutes

time is not of the essence here

Operator 275 is on the line but won’t listen when you tell her

I want to quit my membership

Oh we are sorry you are disappointed let me offer you this today

It is to late lady, you had your chance and blew it

Oh I am sorry to hear that let me offer you this deal we can give you a bundle for 110 dollars a month

But I don’t need a home phone, and I don’t need 300 sports channels, heck I can’t even tell you who is going to the play offs , sorry sprots fans, don’t mean to insult but not my thing

But you can get high speed internet or we can give you a subscription of this magazine, gym, whatever.

For months, round and round, took me 4 months to finally show CVS I couldn’t get a list of my prescriptions and still somehow they send me updates about a city I haven’t lived in for 9 years but there is response is wow, we don’t know what that is happening.

Dear whomever, get your shit together.

I just don’t have this patience to sit on hold for an hour, to be told you have a great deal that is 5 times higher than what I am paying.

I don’t have the patience to be told oh if you don’t have your email or your password, that is okay, you can fill out a recover account information which requires you to have the authorization code they sent you in your welcome email…ummm, if I had that it would be from the email that the account is on and I would be able to get a new password, USE your heads people, seriously you are making me so frustrated and how is no one else agitated by this obvious lack of efficiency?

Is it only me?

Am I the only person who gets annoyed at all these calls I have to meke just to get general information

I am losing my patience, maybe I should just become old fashioned and never use the internet again?  Nahhh, that would be so antiquated and I am more intelligent than that.

Dear Whomever,

Please fix these issues, so we can get back to being unsocial in this social online world.

Thank you,

The woman who craves a little efficiency.

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I wrote the poem below, I don’t give permission to use this poem without contacting me first.  Hope you enjoy it.

Mary Shanti.

The mirror reveals the soul within

It is hazy water filled

In a dessert miraged heart

It is barren

Where wence it was full throttled cherry blossomed, apple cheeked rosy

The mirror reveals the soul within

Scorched embers

Still can see through the branches to a small piece

Not yet scorned

Tenderly aching but still filled with a sense of wonder

A leaf not torn

A branch unbroken, its leaves fall hoping to dance in the suns warmth

The mirror reveals the soul within

Whose lines tell stories like trees that have grown

There bark is brittled beauty

Born from moments that were swept up like wisps of air

The mirror reveals the soul within

Still standing

Still solemn

Still here.

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I scrolled and scrolled, and I was being reeled in like a fish who couldn’t resist the tie line.  It had me in it’s grip and with each new post about Trump, Bannon or Devos I tapped on the article and read it like a soap opera addict, I couldn’t wait for the new plot line to come out each day.  However, unlike a soap opera which isn’t real, what I was reading was and I became engrossed in it, scrolling to find more stories and replying with intensity and a sense of feeling I was doing my duty in trying to get others to see what was happening to this country…but was I? or was I just involving myself in heavy drama and having this be a focus to steer me away from the death of my best friend.  Whatever the reason being, I noticed that I was experiencing stomach pains and nausea while I would be engrossed in political conversations and that when I stopped writing and got out of Facebook, my stomach started to calm down. I was having Trump stress pains and it wasn’t good.  I decided this wasn’t worth my health, it wasn’t worth getting so upset that I wanted to kick something or reach through my computer and yell at certain people who refused to see the hatred, it was causing me to be angry, that which I was upset for seeing happen, was happening to me. I decided to pull away.  I wondered, what will it be like if I change my role here?  What if I just become a silent observer? Can I do this? Can I read a news story or a post about something that infuriates me and not give my opinion about it?  It was time to find out.  I also wanted to know in this world of “socialness” what would happen if I stopped being social.  Did the world need to read about my viewpoints or see my posts on my dating foibles or viewpoints, I wasn’t sure but thought it would make an interesting experiment to not say a thing.  The exception to this was I did allow myself to post in the classified sections of Facebook.  I sell things here and there and didn’t want to stop myself from being able to make a little money here and there.

 

The silent journey begins….

 

The first week was hard, I would read a post and immediately click on the comment button and start to furiously write but then I would stop, hit back space and take a deep breath.  I would remind myself that I didn’t’ have to give my 2 cents on everything out there.  I just became about scrolling and reading and taking it in.  It was hard though to not comment when people would post a picture or video of an event that they were participating in or a birthday they were having.  To those birthdays I haven’t written a Happy Birthday to , I apologize but I am sending you hugs and love.  I would still watch cute cat videos but this time not post them. I would still look at the posts that asked all sorts of questions but not answer them.  Three weeks in and it was a little bit easier.  I would still get notifications but now they were mainly for classified ads or groups I was a part of.  The content on my page also changed drastically, from showing friends videos to showing more stories from 22 words and the Los Angeles Times.  My ads even changed, for some reason Facebook thinks I am bulimic because I must have read a story on it…and no I am not bulimic or anorexic.   I noticed that my friends still thought I was online based on answers they put on the questionnaires the filled out.  You know those posts that ask you things like name 4 places you have been, name 4 of your nick names.  These almost always have a question at that bottom saying name someone you know will respond or repost this.  My friends, even a month and a half after I stopped posting, still put my name.  I didn’t respond or say anything but I was amused by it.  I felt like the girl who wasn’t invited to the party but everyone keeps acting like I was there.  Oh you remember when so and so did this at the party and it was so funny and my response being, no I don’t know I wasn’t there.  They give you that inquisitive look, no, no you were there, I remember.  You shake your head and say flatly, nope it wasn’t me and they aren’t sure what to say because they really thought you had been invited or had been there but you weren’t.  I did have one friend who wrote to me on messenger, about 2 ½ weeks after I had stopped writing. I almost always replied to her sweet posts about her children and wonderful mate and she wanted to make sure I was okay.  It was very touching to me and I wrote her back explaining what I was doing.  I did write to her on and off through out the 2 months.

Not being contacted or having most people notice I was gone made me  wonder about my presence as a person and how strong is it really?  Not very when it comes to social media.   It hurt to some degree but I just took it in and realized it was something I needed to work through and figure out.  How I do this I am not 100% sure of but I know I am open to growing and also open to connecting with people on a deeper level.

I do need to note that I have certain people on Facebook, such as Family and close friends that I talked to outside of the Facebook world.  It is interesting because none of them said anything to me about not posting or not seeing me not commenting on their feeds.  I wasn’t completely void of connection with people.

In the last few weeks of not posting on Facebook, I find myself wanting to comment on certain posts of people who are going through specific things. I have a friend who just had a baby, a beautiful boy. I am so incredibly happy for her and her husband. I love seeing the pictures even though I think she worries she will be one of those moms who is in overkill mode with the pictures, she is not and believe me with all the trauma going on in the world, seeing a sweet baby sleeping in his father’s arms is something I want to see more of.

I am ready to enter the world of Facebook again but this time realizing that it is just a website, not a home. It is social…yes but more in a acquaintance sort of way. I also realize that in life I don’t want to be a part of a lot of the surface stuff, the how’s the weather conversations or what is considered to be small talk but I also don’t want to be in a war all the time with the political turmoil that is all around us.  Peace within myself and my body is more important now. It is more important to connect with people who want to go somewhere and have coffee or who want to connect and see how each other are doing.  I step back into this wondering what is next with it….How do I use this social media to enhance my life?  Do I use it to report to those I know what I am doing, after all a lot of the people on Facebook that I am friends with don’t live in the same city or even state, some don’t’ even live in the same country so it is not like I can sit down and have  a coffee with them. One of the reasons I love Facebook is for just this reason. I can see the people (whom I used to hang out with when they lived in LA ), what they are up to, what their children are doing.

The world we live in now has connection through online means.  It is a vessel but it is not the complete ship, I have realized that I need more, more people to laugh with, more people to sit across a table and see their smile light up or be in a movie theatre eating popcorn together and bonding over our love for the Jedi’s.  This is a connection that isn’t the same through a screen, it can’t hug me or bring me food when a friend has died and these are the connections I seek.  I love Facebook for the people, for the funny cat videos, for the inspiring stories and for seeing people whom I love dearly and miss across the miles but it is time, time for me to be in a non virtual world so that I can one day post about me and my friends being at a dinner table and laughing and connecting, instead of scrolling though my feed and seeing others do this and wishing it was me.

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Seems like forever since we said Hello
I have been going through so much
I was afraid to let you in
Afraid to open up
In such a wide open space
Afraid no one would hear me
or Worse they would and wouldn’t care

I have got stronger in this time apart
Ready to say what’s in my heart
Ready to spread the wings and fly
Hoping your near
Waving Hi

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Why do I present answers when the question hasn’t even been finished being asked?

Why do we presume to know what he said, she said

When we never heard it from them

Outside there is rain falling

Inside I am surrendering

Or at least trying to do my best

To believe that your thoughts

Are forming into your heart

To remember the love

The patience

The peace exuded in our holding of hands

I breath, the doubt out

Only hoping that I will breath in your yes

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