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Seems like forever since we said Hello
I have been going through so much
I was afraid to let you in
Afraid to open up
In such a wide open space
Afraid no one would hear me
or Worse they would and wouldn’t care

I have got stronger in this time apart
Ready to say what’s in my heart
Ready to spread the wings and fly
Hoping your near
Waving Hi

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Should celebrities be skinny all the time? If a woman is size 12 does that make her fat? What about a size 5 or 8? The average woman in America is size 12 to 14 but the media wants us to strive to be a size 4. Would this be healthy for some? Here is one woman who I knew from the start I liked, used to be just for her voice but now her personality make me like her even more. See for yourself and let me know what you think?

Kelly Clarkson:

I’m Tired of Hearing

“the Fat Joke”

Us Magazine – June 5, 2009 6:07 AM PDT

Story photo: Kelly Clarkson: I'm Tired of Hearing Kelly Clarkson attends Z100’s Zootopia 2009 presented by IZOD FRAGRANCE at Izod Center on May 16, 2009 in East Rutherford, New Jersey.
Jamie McCarthy/WireImage for Clear Channel Radio
Us Magazine

Kelly Clarkson says she’s tired of being bullied over her weight.

“For seven years it’s been happening. It’s like, ‘OK cool, the fat joke,'” she said during an interview with 2Day FM’s Kyle and Jackie O Show in Australia.

Despite the taunts, the American Idol champ says, “I love my body. I’m very much OK with it. I don’t think artists are ever the ones who have the problem with their weight, it is other people.”

Clarkson has also come under scrutiny over her sexuality. She says she doesn’t care if people think she is gay.

Her only gripe?

“The rumors are not helping me on the dating front!” she said. “I prefer the boys. I’m extremely flattered when I do get hit on by girls, and I think it’s hot, but I’m not into it. I like boys.”

She said she’s in no rush to find Mr. Right.

“I’m only 27, not 40 and still single!” she said. “I enjoy being single, I love work and I think people are so passive with relationships and I’m not that person.”

Added Clarkson, “I’m an extremist, I’m either in a relationship or I’m not. I’m honest about it and I’ll tell people, it’s just there’s nothing to tell. I have a very good life.”

http://omg.yahoo.com/news/kelly-clarkson-i-m-tired-of-hearing-the-fat-joke/23417?nc

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Why do I present answers when the question hasn’t even been finished being asked?

Why do we presume to know what he said, she said

When we never heard it from them

Outside there is rain falling

Inside I am surrendering

Or at least trying to do my best

To believe that your thoughts

Are forming into your heart

To remember the love

The patience

The peace exuded in our holding of hands

I breath, the doubt out

Only hoping that I will breath in your yes

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Our government has many programs to help people in need. There is General Relief/Food Stamps , programs for people who have Aids/Cancer, medical conditions whether mental or physical, for families who have children, the elderly, alcholic/drug users and woman who are being abused by a man. I am none of these but still find myself to be in a never ending cycle of struggle. I did have a corporate job in 2003 but was very unhappy there, yes I am told most people are unhappy. I get that but it was obvious to my employers and I was looking for work. I got asked about once a month if I was happy at my job and lied until one day while in a meeting with my boss and he asked again. I blurted out no I am not. From there the cat was out of the bag…now where do we go. I was already worried they would fire me because they knew I was unhappy and didn’t like the work they were giving me (which was not part of my original duties). We mutually agreed for me to leave in a month or so. I continued my job search and registered with temp agencies who told me I had excellent test scores and it should be no problem finding me work. The time for me to leave and I still didn’t have work but luckily was eligable for unemployment. fast forward to a few years later….I have worked some temp jobs, last year I had 25 interviews but no jobs. Agencies get me work from time to time. I would love to no longer be an EA but I have to work, and pay bills and hopefully someday pay off the creditors who call me all the time. When I get work, I end up spending my money catching up on bills. I have borrowed money from almost everyone I know. I want to go back to school and learn Graphic design or be a painter/photographer but money doesn’t allow this and most of the time I am in survival mode. If I get a job paying minimun wage I will barely be able to pay my basic needs and that is it. My pay range for my skill level is between 38 and 55,000 a year. I need help so I decided to contact some of these agencies that are there to help others. I went to SOVA today and got food, this was wonderful and I am so grateful. I was given a list of referrals for Financial Assistance. I came home and started to contact them only to find that because I don’t have any of the fore mentioned conditions I can’t get help. I have previously applied for General Relief but decided not to do it because they only give a single person 215.00 a month…. this is barely enough to pay my phone, gas/electricity, and gas for my car, and then what do I do for rent plus the Social Security office sends letters stating things like, your claim will end if you do not provide the following information -see below. I go to the section that is supposed to show what is needed and there is nothing written and I call my worker and they have no idea what the heck is going on.

I contacted 7 agencies so far. I was given this website for resource information: http://www.lafn.org/~kg6gcz/SOVA/SOVAsubset.htm. I clicked on community resources like I was instructed to do and went to the Financial Assistance where I was lead to organizations like Design Financial Solutions (Which is really Consumer Credit Counseling Services) who are great for helping someone who has work clean up there credit or manage there money but that aren’t able to help with financial assistance. Mainly there were organizations that will help people with Aids, Cancer and other medical conditions. I went to the General Section and there was an interesting organization whom I am not sure I am eligable but I did submit my information. They are called Change a Life Foundation. They State: To significantly help individuals and families who, through no fault of their own, have experienced an injury, illness, disability, or catastrophic life event, and who are suffering financial hardship, by providing support for critically needed direct services that promote their self-sufficiency and improve their quality of life. I haven’t really experienced injury but what I have been through I consider to be pretty much hardship. I am figuring they won’t consider me a consideration but it was worth a shot to contact them. I then went to the renters section and it lists help for seniors and counseling on what to do when you get an eviction notice.

Where is the prevention or helpful for those of us single people who are going through a difficult time and want to get out of the catch 22 they are in. I am attempting to prevent myself from getting an eviction notice but most agencies won’t help you until you are homeless or given an eviction. Prevention is not important or so it seems.

I have thought of filing bankruptcy but it used to be you could file for bankruptcy and your slate was wiped cleaned but no with the new laws, you have to pay back your money from a bankruptcy, then what is the point? I don’t get it.I desire to get more skills so that I can have a job I like and not get laid off, work temp work or get fired because of obvious discomfort. Are the single people of the world lost in the shuffle of those who are diseased, have children or are in addictions? I am not saying those people aren’t important or don’t need to be helped but it raises the question of our society about the single person. Those that have someone or something are helped but those that need a helping hand are not. I wonder if there are others out there who feel the same or are going through the same thing. Is this how a person gets to be homeless because they weren’t able to get help or maybe they didn’t help themselves enough? I go round in circles and beat myself up at a time like this, which I then realize won’t do any good. I want to believe that I can transform my life and create the possibility of abundance through creativity. Meanwhile I ask for a prayer, a good thought and any resources that may help and for me to keep hearing the little voice of God that says, Yes You Can, Hang On.

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I watch the repeats of Sex and the City and find myself thinking that Carrie is my least favorite character, most of the time. She dates big, over and over again, even though she gets her heart broken each time. Where was writer Greg Berendht’s input in this (consultant and writer on the show and wrote the book, he is just not that into you).

She opens herself up to Big, she is the epitimy of what drives me nuts about media’s portrayal of women. We are either pushy bitches who will stomp on anyone to get anything we want or we are powerless over love, repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Of course the reasoning is always, We Can’t Choose Who We Love or I can’t help. The I love him so what ever am I to do, I can’t help myself. I believe it may be difficult to not have feelings for someone but we have a choice as to whether we take action on those feelings. We are a reactionary society however that feeds of thinking we have to have it, and we are taught to go with our first reaction, instead of being taught to stop and think about what we are doing, what the consequences of our actions will be or remembering perhaps a lesson learned in the last time we went through this and realizing, hey I am not going down that path again.

Every time I see the episode where Carrie tells Aidan that she slept with BIG, I get upset. She tells him right before they are to go to Charlotte’s wedding.She is looking at him with sad eyes, as if to say, okay come with me to this wedding, after she just dropped this huge bomb on him. He leaves and I get the feeling we are to feel bad for her but all I can think of is, why did you cheat on such a great man, I would love to have a man who was like Aidan. Then when they get back together and he has a difficult time dealing with trusting her, she comes to him and pleads, “You have to forgive me, You Have to” To keep a relationship going where someone has cheated, it is very difficult for the person who got cheated on to trust. Sometimes it takes years, and from most of the people I know, the relationship usually ends because it is so difficult to trust the person. Well this is television however, the place where most people are supposed to just get over things in an instant. A great example of this is when a person dies, and the widow is single six months later and her friends are saying, you need to get out and date. Our society is afraid to be alone, afraid to be with who we are. The thinking is always, you will be happy if you have someone. When someone gets married, what do most people say, Oh now they can be happy or happily ever after? No wonder there are so many dysfunctional people out there, and believe me I am guilty of being one. I haven’t always made the greatest choices but I realize they were mine and I do all I can to learn from them.

This fairytale all starts when we are young girls…fairytales where there is a maiden or young girl, trapped by some evil witch and the only way we can get out is to be rescued from a tower or to break the coma she is in to be kissed by a dashing prince. How unrealistic is this in the real world? We see on Television shows and movies that a girl who doesn’t get asked to the dance is a loser or pathetic. To quote one show where a girl didn’t get asked to the big dance ” I will probably end up an old maid”. Where is the teaching to our children that hey, don’t wait, you don’t get invited to a dance, then go with friends, or gather a group of people who didn’t get invited and go as a group or even better go by yourself. Yes it is hard to be independent. I have struggled with this my whole life and still do but when I do go out to a coffee house, a movie by myself it is getting easier. I am lucky to have been surrounded at times by strong women. I had a good friend who used to tell me when we would go dancing, you want to dance, then get out there. Men were so shocked at times to see me out there dancing by myself, and not sitting demurely waiting for someone else to have fun. One time while at a club I had a guy yell outloud in front of a bunch of people (trying to embarass me), “what you couldn’t find someone to dance with you” to which I replied, I don’t have to have someone to ask me to dance, I am not trapped in the 50’s, I can dance with myself and that is just fine. The crowd around me clapped for me. I felt good.

I am not saying we don’t need love nor am I saying not to want another to share your life. I am talking about loving life even if you don’t have that person, or as Inyala says, In the Meantime. To dance with yourself and your heart is a devine and powerful thing, filled with mysterious wonder and magic.

Even after bra burning, and woman’s rights, there is still an imbalance. There still are so many people out there teaching young girls that her happiness will come when she meets Mr. Right. That if we are to loud or speak our mind, we are bitches or obnoxius. Did anyone call Kurt Cobain obnoxious, okay probably some did but the masses of critics called him a genius, I don’t disgree but what about Alanis when Jagged Little Pill came out…she was labeled an angry woman. She still is by some people though her music reflects a whole new person who has emerged and I have seen anger is just an emotion she expresses, just like Kurt did.

The messages for both sexes are not easy. Men being taught not to show emotion and woman being portrayed as only emotional or if they have to much emotion, they are crazy. Men being taught to be fighters, to be bread winners, and to be rescuers. Women being taught that if they aren’t pretty enough or sweet enough no man will want them. The pressure for both sexes is crazy. I say teach the children to love themselves and those around them. To appreciate the talents and skills that they have. That happiness is something that is created not something you wait to have happen. I say this for them but also for myself.

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Tomorrow (December 12) is my 41st Birthday.  To celebrate I want to write 41 things I am grateful  for.  In this life we tend to concentrate on what we don’t have, and where we aren’t. There is always something to be grateful for and at this time of the year it easy to forget when we are consumed with buying gifts, driving here and there in a frenzy. I challenge you to stop each day of this holiday season to take a minute to think of the things you are grateful for in this life, it is not hard to do, it can be from small things (I am grateful for the bird outside my window) to large things (I am grateful for the money a friend sent me). Recenter yourself and your life and have a grateful New Year.Here is my list of 41 Things (not in any particular order, they are all important to me)…

  1. I am grateful for my mom buying me a plane ticket to be with the family at Christmas.
  2. I am grateful for the sun shining today – feels so good.
  3. I am grateful for my adorable cat Romeo.
  4. I am grateful for my dearest friend Linda, for her being there for me so much, for making me laugh, crying with me and sharing with me through good and bad.
  5. I am grateful for my friend Christina, for her laughing with me, growing with me, spiritually guiding me, and for being an amazing woman and friend.
  6. I am grateful for my sisters, for there emails, phone calls, and caring so much.
  7. I am grateful for Verdugo Jobs Center and how helpful they are.
  8. I am grateful for my feetsie pajama’s and how warm they keep me at night in this cold weather.
  9. I am grateful for my friend Yavonne, for her humor, for taking me to the movies when I need to get out, for her wisdom, strength and inspiration.
  10. I am grateful for Clothing swaps, media swaps and swaps in general.  I have had so much fun at them.
  11. I am grateful for all of my paints, canvases and supplies, that allow me to express myself and do something I truly love.
  12. I am grateful for my god children, Jai and Naia, for there constant love, acceptance, joyful exhuberance, creativity and intelligience.  I learn so much from you.
  13. I am grateful for friend Sam. For his caring about me, for his humor, for his smile that stays with me, and for the sweetness he exudes.
  14. I am grateful for my friend Mary, for our late night phone calls about family, and life, for her dedication to our friendship and for her knowledge about so many things.
  15. I am grateful for nature, for the beauty that surrounds me, for trees, flowers (roses are right outside my apt) and for the beach and mountains.
  16. I am grateful for cotton candy ice cream from Rite-Aid…..Yummmy.
  17. I am grateful for the show Extreme Makeover Home Edition, for what they do, how they inspire me and for being able to see people do care.
  18. I am grateful for movies that make me laugh, cry and think.
  19. I am grateful for my computer and for my friend Mark who lent it to me.  Thank you Mark, you are such and good friend and I am grateful for you.
  20. I am grateful for my Woman’s Artist group and for the support I recieve there.
  21. I am grateful for the Spiritual group I belong to, for the wisdom, caring and joy I get from it.
  22. I am grateful for having an adventurous spirit.
  23. I am grateful for my bed, yes you read right my bed, the best bed in the world that helps me get a very good sleep every night.
  24. I am grateful for all the wonderful gifts I have got for my birthday.
  25. I am grateful for chocolate…oh devine chocolate.
  26. I am grateful for the Really Really Free Market, for what it represents, for what I have got from it and for the people who run it.
  27. I am grateful for Alanis Morrisette. For the vulnerability, humor and growth she expresses in her music.
  28. I am grateful for surprises, oh how I love fun surprises.
  29. I am grateful for the memories I have of my dad, of his hugs, his laughter, and our wonderful talks.
  30. I am grateful for being able to express myself, living in a place where I can do that.
  31. I am grateful for chinese food, especially Wonton Soup from Panda Inn.
  32. I am grateful for the medical clinic that I go to, for the way they are patient, caring and help me when I need it.
  33. I am grateful for the Library, for me being able to use the computer to print things when I need to.
  34. I am grateful for Sunday drives that lead me to interesting places.
  35. I am grateful for being able to be in Santa Barbara to celebrate my birthday with my friends.
  36. I am grateful for the  new curtain rods I got today, they are very cool.
  37. I am grateful for my friend Charles who always remembers my birthday and sends me funny e-cards.
  38. I am grateful for Starbucks Vanilla Frappucino, man I love those little bottles
  39. I am grateful for Charles Schultz creating the Peanuts and especially Snoopy which I just love.
  40. I am grateful for being open to change, for being inspiring and inspired and for learning so much in my life and sharing my wisdom.
  41. I am grateful for having lived 41 years and still going strong, learning more and smiling at the journey ahead.
  42. This is the bonus…going into my 42nd year…..I am grateful for new adventures, for the love I have from family and friends and for dreams coming true.

Thank you for reading my gratefulness, now go share yours 🙂  

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buy-nothing.jpg
Each year Christmas commercials start earlier and earlier. This year they started in the beginning of October. I couldn’t believe it. It was August and the department stores already had Christmas ornaments and such for sale. I am not anti-Christmas but I have begun to wonder what are we really celebrating and why? Christianity tells us it is about the birth of Christ. When I was a child I was told that the reason we bought gifts for others is because God gave us his greatest gift, his son and we give gifts to others to symbolize this. Then as I got older and started to learn more, I was told Christ wasn’t even born in December, he was born in the summertime and the whole reason we have it at Christmas time is because it goes well with winter solistice and the whole winter theme. Either way, (whether Christ was or wasn’t born in December), I find myself wondering what is all this gift buying all about. I like celebrating, it is fun, I like getting together with those I care about and laughing and being with them but does this have to be the only day we get gifts for those we love. Why not have a random day in the year where we just buy someone something and give it to them to tell them hey I appreciate you and love who you are.
Adbusters started a campaign in 1992, The Buy Nothing Christmas Day. This has got me thinking even more now, after seeing this commercial (see below). I personal love getting what I call home made or memory made gifts. An example of this is in 2001 my parents put together a picture collage of me from birth to that time, with little captions underneath of my life from there viewpoint. This was incredible touching to me and when I look at it, I think they put there heart and soul into this instead of just going out and buying any old thing. This I will have for the rest of my life. My father passed away in 2003 so it means even more to me now. Do we have to spend hundreds to thousands of dollars to express our love and gratitude or is it enough to do something from the heart or like my friend Charlene and her husband Dave do every year, take the money they would put into gifts and they buy gifts for Toys for Tots and then they bake yummy goodies for families and friends. I am not sure if I will be able to buy Christmas gifts this year because I haven’t been working for 2 months but I’d like to think that the people who love me, love me whether I give them a gift or not.

Below is the Adbusters commercials for Buy Nothing Day and also comments from adbusters.com

Buy Nothing Christmas is not really about refusing to spend a dime over the holiday season. It’s about taking a deep breath and deciding to opt out of the hype‚ the overcrowded malls‚ and the stressful to–do lists. It’s about reminding ourselves to really think about what we are buying‚ why we are buying it‚ and whether we really need it at all.

Thoughts

Every christmas makes less and less sense to me. you spend money you don’t have, to buy gifts a person does not want. i have a closet full of stuff i do not want that people have bought me. yet, when i am in need of money for something, no one is to be found. it is asked, what do i buy the person who has everything, and yet, there are so many people without, and no one dares ask, what should we buy them. it’s amazing we are so willing to spend on each other, but forget those who are in need.
joshua, philly

I asked for less. I will never forget the day that I read this in adbusters asking for less. Christmas is hard for a young person to stay sane and stay reminded of the real meaning of holidays. I have felt polluted for far to long. My words of wisdom for the holidays are to be conscious of everything you do in each step you take everyday.
Cheryl Mann, Syracuse, NY

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